Dear Mom

Mom,

Those words, in association with you, are so foreign to me. Your weighted gaze and eyes so full of pain, distorted words and desolate touch always completely missing me. Part of me is uncertain of how to even write this, so I’ll just let my heart take it from here.

7 years old is the age that always sits with me… it’s the age that makes me tear up, choke up, makes it harder to breathe. 7 is when I remember starting to miss you or, rather, miss who I hoped you were. 7 was when I decided my imagination would create the mother I needed to help me get through the darkness my life was. I wanted so badly to believe you loved me, wanted me, missed me. Every time I would leave my house, I’d dream and pray of seeing you. I used to play this game where I would try and find the sweetest, prettiest, most loving-looking woman in the room and lock eyes with her; I would tell myself it was probably you, but you just didn’t know it was me. Whenever I would cry myself to sleep, whenever I would hurt, feel alone and broken I would tell myself “It’s ok… one day mamma's gonna come back and make this all better, make me all better.” But you never came back... There were so many nights I would lie awake, feeling so empty and utterly alone. So many nights I cried myself to sleep, my heart aching and yearning for your arms, your touch, your safety. All I had was your ghost, a figment of my imagination. Every girl needs a mother and I needed you, mom… I really needed you….

I could never understand how I could miss something I’d never had. How my heart could ache for an affection and love I‘d never known. How could I be so completely desperate for something unfamiliar and foreign? I never understood if this was what you meant to happen. If this was what you‘d pictured the minute you knew I existed? you were never supposed to be the one to break my heart. My life wasn’t supposed to feel so empty so soon. I’ve told myself that maybe, just maybe I was too much to manage, maybe I drove you away, maybe loving me was a task so unbearably immense no one could do it, not even you. Despite the pain you’ve caused me, it still hurts me to write this. It breaks my heart to put all of this onto paper. It pains me to share this part of my fragmented, mangled heart with the world, your piece of my heart; but I know I need to do this.

I remember the day I opened my Facebook and saw your name pop up “Message from Lynnette“ I felt all the heat leave my body, my heart stopped, my eyes filled, my palms became sweaty, I could hardly breathe…. I had longed for this day. I had yearned for the day you would come back for me. “You have grown into the most beautiful young lady & not a day has gone by that I have not thought about you. Please believe me when I say, I regret all the days I've missed seeing you grow, sharing life moments with you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and I hope your dad can find it in his heart to forgive me as well. Just know that as your mother I will forever hold you in my heart and I DO LOVE YOU.” Oh mom, how I wish I could forgive you. How I wish I could pack up my pain and put her away, never glancing in her direction again. How I wish I could take every shattered, broken piece of me you left and tie all the frayed edges together until I felt complete again. It is clear now, your mental state deemed you unfit to be a mother and although I feel for you, I’m still angry. I’m angry that you couldn’t find it in yourself to be better, I’m angry for all the times you hated me. I’m angry for all the times you wished I didn’t exist, I’m angry that all of the emotions you felt towards me sat with me my entire life. I’m angry you didn’t fight for me longer, I’m angry that you consistently chose you and your substance over me. I’m angry that you just gave up. I’m angry that you live 5 minutes from me and, even though I have managed to build a vast and towering wall to protect myself, you didn‘t even try to find your way around it. You stopped calling and texting and trying. I’m angry because I will never stop needing you, I will never stop wishing you were better and, as hard as it is to admit, I will never stop hoping.

I can’t forgive you, I can’t forget you. Seven children, mamma, seven children you’ve broken… seven pure and loving souls you let fall through your grasp; I think about this and I can’t forgive you for it. You’ve convinced yourself it’s okay to do what you’ve done, to be who you’ve been. You've created this false reality where you're the victim. You were the one person I was supposed to rely on, you were the one person who was supposed to love me without question, hesitation, unconditionally. Your arms were supposed to be my safety. The things that happened to me were never supposed to happen, you were supposed to keep them from happening or at least be there to wipe my tears and show me how to be courageous in the midst of it all. I should have never been put in a position where I had to reassure myself that someone would love me for me and remind myself that just because you could not be that someone did not mean I was unlovable.

I still think about the day I saw you again, for the first time in 17 years; I watched as you walked up, hanging on tightly to your black raincoat, knuckles white. Your wavy curls surrounding your small face, I’d always wished I had curls like yours. I observed your big brown eyes, scurrying, anxiously taking in your surroundings, those brown eyes that seemed to see everything but me. I had dreamt of this day for so long. I had dreamt of the day I could look you in the eye and tell you exactly how much you hurt me. I had dreamt of the day I could yell and scream and hurt you just as much as you hurt me. The day you would finally acknowledge the mess you'd made, wrap me in your arms and promise to never leave again. but that day, all I could do was look into your empty eyes, hoping you’d somehow be able to feel everything I couldn’t put into words. You missed me that day, Mom, you completely missed me... you looked right past me and then you were gone.

I’m terrified of having babies of my own. I’m terrified of becoming you. I’m terrified of making the same mistakes you did. No one taught me it was ok to break, it was ok to feel incomplete, to be messy, stubborn, unpredictable. That was your job... it was your job to love me. It was your job to hold me, wipe my tears, hide me from the dark. It was your job to teach me what it was to be a good woman, a brave woman. I am sorry, mom… I’m sorry your pain cut so deep you had to check out. I am so sorry someone broke you before you broke me. I am so sorry your heart was damaged and destroyed so horribly that the only way you could cope was by abandoning yourself and your babies. I hope you know I’m ok, I’ll be ok… I’ve had no choice but to be ok. As foolish as it sounds, sometimes I still imagine that maybe I haven’t really met you. That you’re still out there - loving, beautiful, complete…that fictitious hope is what I need right now, it’s what I need to cope and feel ok.

In the end, I guess all there is left to do is thank you. Thank you for leaving, thank you for not being the mother I needed, thank you for throwing me into the abyss that is life without any direction. Thank you for bringing me into the light, just to leave me in the dark. Thank you, because it made me exactly who I needed to be. You leaving taught me exactly who I never want to be. It’s taught me that healing is an unavoidable journey we must all embark on, no matter how painful or challenging, in order to never inflict pain on those we love. It’s taught me that “mother“ is but an empty word, until a worthy woman gives it definition and worth. Although you’ve lost me, I really hope one day you find you. I hope one day you find the courage to grab the broken lost little girl buried inside of you and guide her to love. I hope you can break free of your self-loathing, your rejection, your substance and find light and joy in your life again. I no longer need you like I used to, but that little girl does.

I’m ready to embrace my next chapter and leave you behind, I hope you understand I have to leave you behind. Please know that you’ll always have a small part of me, we will always have a piece of each other, that’s how the universe has designed it. Despite the tragedy of mourning what we could never have, I will never forget you, Mom, I will never, ever stop thinking of you... I’ll still look for you in the eyes of every kind soul I come across. I’ll remember you for who you could have been, as to help mend what you‘ve broken in me. I’ll forever carry the memory of you, locked away and stored in the caverns of my heart.

Maybe, in another life, we‘ll get a second chance at us; but for now, this is where our story ends. This is where I say goodbye 💕🌻.

Your Daughter,

Celena